When You’re Married But Thinking About Someone Else

I woke up feeling strange. It was still dark outside my bedroom window, but the slivers of light from my neighbors’ porch lights shone on my husband, sleeping soundly beside me.

I had a dream, a pleasant dream—too pleasant, really—about a guy I had dated before my husband. And now I felt unsettled. The dream made me miss my ex, and it made me feel nostalgic for those beginning stages of relationships where sparks fly and emotions run high.
In my mind, I knew that the emotions that surged through my body at this moment—the feelings of nostalgia and wanting the thrill of a new relationship—would pass as quickly and erratically as they had come. I knew that this did not indicate some major problem between my husband and me. We have a very loving, passionate, and communicative relationship. I also know it is common to think about past relationships, but how we respond when these memories surface matters.

Though I’m not going to act on these feelings, I hate feeling like I’m hiding something from my husband. I am his and he is mine, and we share everything in life. So I wanted to tell him about this dream and how I was feeling, just to let him know that I was struggling some with past memories. I’ve found that when I do this, it takes away the power of the emotions about the past. The act of my speaking them aloud and him listening gives me perspective and helps me feel closer to my husband.
It can be a difficult conversation, though. I wanted to share my dream and feelings in a nonthreatening way that would reassure my husband that I love him, choose him, and am committed to our marriage vows 100 percent. But I also wanted to be honest. So I got up in the darkness and tiptoed to the living room so as not to wake the kids. I tried to avoid the squeaky floorboards, but there are too many of them in our wonderfully old house. Thankfully no one woke up, and I sat with my laptop and wrote a letter.
In the letter I assured my husband that I loved him dearly, but that in this particular moment I was feeling strong emotions about a past relationship. I told him about my dream and how it was making me miss my ex and feel distant from my husband. After writing the letter, I felt much more settled. I knew this was just a cloud of emotions that would pass, but I still wanted to fill my husband in so that we could bridge the distance I was feeling and weather the craziness that human emotions can sometimes be.
The next day was a Saturday, and so when our kids were napping my husband and I laid down to read the letter together and talk. It’s never fun talking about past relationships with the person you love, but having the letter written down worked really well. I didn’t have to stumble over my words or ramble on while trying to get to the point. My husband read attentively, even though he said it was difficult for him. But he appreciated the gesture of trust and vulnerability, and he responded with empathy and tenderness.
We talked about how we’ve noticed a pattern. Sometimes I have these dreams about a past relationship when my husband and I are in a busy time. We talked about how important it is to make time for each other, and how we wanted to go on more dates with each other. So we decided right then and there to hire a babysitter one evening that week and go on a date.
The rest of the weekend was wonderful. We were affectionately attuned to each other. We gave ourselves permission to have a low-key weekend. Instead of focusing on chores and to do lists, we focused on each other. We like working on things around the house together, and it’s important. But things had gotten out of balance and we just needed some time to chill. We were reminded that time spent together was not “wasted” time, but rather time during which our love can continue to grow. After a moment where I felt flooded by my past, it was important for us to celebrate the present—the life we have together.

10 Signs Your Relationship Is Going Absolutely NOWHERE

You want it to work, you really do. You swear things between you two would be amazing if only he would stop doing this and start doing that instead. You two look so good together. He's perfect on paper. The sex is hot. You're so tired of the dating scene. Blah, blah, blah.

Stop it! You know what you're doing and you know you can do better. Here are 20 very clear signs this is a situation and not a relationship , and it's going absolutely nowhere.

1. They're "too busy" to text you. There are 24 hours in a day and each of those hours holds 60 minutes. Every single one of those minutes has 60 full seconds in them. Now, write a text. How long did it take? #PointProven

2. They play the cat and mouse game. One night, they're into the relationship and the next you're reenacting Adele's "Hello." Just as you're giving up, they call to say they've thought about things. They were a fool. Please take them back. Once you do, they're gone again. Show them you stopped playing "girl chase boy" in grade school and run the other way.

3. They make everything all about them. You make sure their needs, wants and desires are met, which leaves literally zero room for you in their me, me, me world.

4. They use gaslighting techniques as a way to keep you in check. Gaslighting is a phrase assigned to an emotional abuse technique that has one partner convincing the other that reality is an illusion. If your partner is denying they said and did things or blaming you for saying and doing things you didn't, it's abusive.

5. Your partner is a dick. Healthy, normal adults know how to speak to and treat others like human beings. There's no power or charm in being an assh*le.

6. They disrespect things that are important to you. Whether it's a religious belief they don't share or a hobby they aren't interested in, you don't need to be with someone who can't treat the things you value with respect.

7. They don't support you. Support is a lot more than just not saying they don't support the things you're doing. Do they show up when you need someone there? Do they stay up and help you practice your presentation, and show an active interest in how things are progressing? When you fall, are they there to catch you and offer you a hand back up? What's the good of being with someone who doesn't have your back?

8. They don't introduce you to people in their lives. Yes, it takes time to be invited home to meet the parents, but if you're five months in and no one knows you beyond your name, he's not serious about you.

9. They make you feel like you can't say anything right. Is your guy constantly picking fights with you and misinterpreting everything you say? Do you feel like you're running around in circles and defending yourself even when you're being nice? Unless you're speaking in code, there's a bigger problem and it has nothing to do with you.

10. They constantly say "sorry" for the same thing. Sorry is just a word unless there's a real effort made to not make the same mistake again.

Nigerian police officer threatens to beat man to death if he wears IGP transmission shirt

Firstly, it's apparent to state that the first and last duty of the police is to protect life and properties of the citizens.

But some of these bad eggs in the police force keep taking us 30years back. What do you expect in a country where justice is very expensive?

So a facebook user who posted photos of a styled T-SHIRT bearing the IGP's alleged Transmission blunder. But in response, a Nigerian police officer threatened to beat the man to death if he wears the IGP transmission shirt.

This is the height of unprofessionalism!

Help…I Am Trying To Build My Marriage But This Guilt Is Killing Me

This post first appeared on Livingstone

I was introduced to your blog three months ago and I must confess,it has been a huge blessing to my life. I love to read the stories and how you and one of your commenters:Uche always advice on the issues. I am a believer and I thank God for people like you who are fighting for godly marriages. I have been married for twelve years and it has not been easy but I thank God for His grace.
I am constantly being eaten up by the guilt of what I did about a year ago. It was a horrible mistake and I cannot forgive myself. You see,years ago,when my marriage was about eight years,my husband cheated on me. When I found out,I was broken.I mean.we are Christians. I never dreamed that one day,we would find ourselves in such a mess as s*xual sin. I know no one is perfect but I never ever expected it. My husband was a righteous man. He feared God. He loved God. He would frown at adultery in marriage in  a heartbeat. When it happened,my husband apologized and begged me. I was so devastated. I was depressed for months.I couldn’t bring myself to see him as the man that I loved and married. It was such a big betrayal to me.

Eventually,after like two years,I began to put the whole thing behind me. Or so I thought. As I say this, I am crying cos I dont know how this happened. But I became a gym fan after my husband’s affair. I thought he didnt like my body. I felt insecure about my looks so I began to gym and I was really good at it. But the problem started when I met a new guy at the gym. We started talking as just members of the same gym but it became a friendship over a few weeks. He would call me to find out why I was late to the gym or even absent. Sometimes,he would volunteer to be my gym partner. I guess I was just thrilled to have a man interested in me. He really encouraged me to follow through my keeping fit journey.
Something crazy happened one day. As we exercised,he was actually helping me to do my tummy exercises. And the next thing I know is,I had an orgasm!…It was so obvious that he noticed and I was embarrassed. He laughed and told me not to worry about it. That however opened up the opportunity for us to have conversations around sxual topics.It was flirty and we used to tease each other. Before I knew it,I was meeting him in a hotel and I slept with him. It happened once and I felt so horrible after. I was so sad afterwards. But the devil wasn’t through with me. Somehow,this guy convinced me that I was in love and he could make me happier. I never really had an orgasm with my husband. Most especially since his affair. This guy opened my eyes to a whole new sxual experience that I was not used to. I slept with him a second time before God arrested me. I stopped seeing this guy. I blocked his line and stopped going to the gym.
That was two years ago. Am afraid I didn’t tell my husband.For a long time I blamed him for this. Yes,if he hadn’t cheated,our marriage would still have been perfect.I would never have registered in a gym and I would never had met a guy to cheat with. I have prayed to God to forgive me but every time I pray,I feel convicted to confess to my hubby. The problem with that though,is I feel like,he would not forgive me. I feel like our marriage would not survive another infidelity. You know,its easy for women to forgive infidelity,men ,not so much. So ever since,I buried this secret with me but I get consumed every day by the guilt.
Please tell me what to do. I have been praying about this. Since reading stories from your blog,I have been getting a bit hopeful but I am also scared. I love my husband. I cry every time I make love to my husband cos the picture of this guy keeps flashing in my mind. I even think about it sometimes and it makes me feel worse.
We are trying to repair our marriage. Will telling my husband help or should I or just keep quiet and suffer this guilt in silence?

I Was Violated In My Brother’s House And He Refused To Protect Me

I want to remain anonymous. I am furious and sad and disappointed by what happened and the way my family especially my brother is treating the matter. My eldest brother who is like 9 years older than me is engaged to this Edo lady. They have been dating for about three years and they plan to get married this year. The lady is nice to me so I have no cause to dislike her even though I feel like she is a fake girl. She likes all things fake,very materialistic too. I lost my parents when I was two years old so my eldest brother has been like the one taking care of all of us ,i.e,me and my other sister. We lived with him all through and when he told us he wanted to get married,he said he would rent a place close to his house so we can still be close. I dont like the idea but it seems like its his fiance trying to push us aside. Well,me and my sister talked about it and we just wanted what is best for our brother.

Last week,I was in my brother’s house. I came back from school feeling quite tired so I went straight to bed. Around 9pm,someone came into my room and it was Toju,my brother’s fiancee’s brother. He comes around sometimes when he is in town. He is a student at UNN. I attend ESUT here in Enugu. My sister is doing her NYSC in Ondo. He told me he came in and no body has been at home that he is hungry. That was when I noticed that my brother was not back. I said ok and I went to the kitchen to make him food. I finished and served him food. I then called my brother who told me that he was coming back late. I told him I kept food for him in the microwave. I then went to sleep.

Not up to 30mins later,someone came into my room again. It was Toju again. Before I could ask him what he wanted this time,he came on me and started to touch me inappropriately. I was shocked and began to fight him. But clearly,he knew what he wanted and being more powerful than me,he is tall and big. He over powered me not too long and before I knew it,he was r*ping me. I wanted to die. I just wanted to die. He finished after a few minutes and started to beg me,saying it was the devil. I just lay there,seeing blood around me,I was too shocked and too traumatized. I cried and cried and it seemed like the night mare didnt want to go away. I locked my door when I noticed Toju had left. I cried more ,I dont know when I fell asleep. I woke up around 2am and went to check my brother. He was sleeping,I woke him up and told him what happened. I showed him the blood and my body.

Immediately,my brother went to Toju’s room and began to beat him up. It was a horrible night. The next morning,his fiancee rushed in from Onitsha. We told her what happened and she was crying and begging. I was treated in the hospital in the morning.I asked my brother why he didnt report to the police but he told me not to worry that he is trying to protect me from the stigma of being a r*pe victim. But I dont care about stigma. I want Toju to pay for this injustice done to me. Its been over a week now and my brother still insists on not reporting to the police. He actually said if I reported by myself,he would disown me as his sister for life.

I know its the fiancee that is behind all this. What is more annoying is that,they have carried on their wedding planning as if nothing happened. They are talking about their traditional wedding this coming July. I feel so pained. My brother says its cos I dont want him to marry this his fiancee that is why I am insisting on reporting her brother. How my brother would still even want to marry this lady who’s brother took away my virginity is mind boggling. For the first time in many years,I wished my parents were alive to fight for me. My brother has forbidden me to tell any of my uncles or aunties what happened. I feel so betrayed by my brother. The one who is supposed to protect me.

Right now,I need help because I have been having suicidal thoughts. I want justice or I will take my life. Should I go and report the matter myself? I am 19 years old,I am old enough to speak for myself. But if I do and my brother disowns me,how do I live? Maybe it is better to die. Maybe ….please help me.

Infinix Hot 6 Pro (X608): Full Specifications And Order

As widely expected, the Infinix Hot 6 Pro arrives with a Qualcomm processor, the Snapdragon 425, a pair of cameras at the back (13 megapixels + 2 megapixels) and an 18:9 display. They also feature face unlock.

Specifications of the device are as follows:

Display 6-inch HD+ (1440 x 720 pixels)
Camera Main camera: 13MP + 2MP
Secondary camera: 5MP
Processor Snapdragon 425
Memory 2GB RAM, 16GB ROM onboard storage (expandable via microSD)
Operating System Android Oreo
Battery 4,000mAh
Network 4G
Connectivity Bluetooth, Wi-Fi
Others Fingerprint sensor (at the back), Dual-SIM

Who Is Under A Spell (Juju): Her Fiance Or The Other Woman’s Husband?

First of all,I want to say well done for having such a wonderful platform. I want to encourage to keep doing more because you are really blessing many lives and I am one of such people. God bless your hustle dear.
Ok,my best friend needs your help/advice. She is in serious relationship mess at the moment. She dated this guy in her office for almost one and a half years before things went south. A year and a half ago,this man was with his wife but things were not working fine. He had been married for four years and no children. According to rumors,he was the problem,the reason why they couldn’t have children. Something like low sperm count. That caused a lot of strain on their marriage until the fourth year.

The man began to confide in my friend about the issues he was having with his wife. She used to be like his confidant till they became quite close. But she refused to date him when he made advances at her cos he was still married. After a while,the woman moved out of the man’s house. That was when my friend agreed to start dating him. He had said that he had filed for a divorce from his wife and was awaiting the finalization. This kept on going for almost 18 months. Every time my friend brought up the issue of divorce,the man would say he is on it.
My friend has introduced this man to her parents,her friends. Every body knows them as they are engaged. They have done introduction and were already making plans to have a court wedding when all hell broke loose. The man’s wife suddenly showed up and moved back into the man’s house. Before we knew what was happening,the man told my friend that he was no longer interested in her that discovered that my friend used juju on him . That my friend is the one that caused his marriage to crash. It so happens that this man didnt even file for divorce and so he is not even divorced to his wife.
As heartbroken as my friend is,her mother went to prayer house where it was confirmed that it was indeed the man’s wife that is using juju to get the man back to her.Three prayer houses have confirmed this report.Now,my friend is thinking that since the man is not himself,since the man is under the influence of juju,she should fight to get him back from the woman.
On my part,I have counselled my friend to let the man be since he has gone back to his wife but she insists the man is under a spell and she is not willing to let go. Three weeks ago,she went to the man’s house and confronted the woman. She tried to tell the man about the report from the prayer houses but the man would not believe her. They both threw her out and the man says he does not want to see her again. She has been crying and since then,she has been sleeping in prayer houses looking for deliverance for this man whom she is already claiming as her husband who is under a spell.
Please how can we help my friend. Do you people think the man is truly under a spell from the wife cos they have been separated for almost two years and she just came back suddenly…I want my friend to read from you and other people what you all really think about the situation. Please your advice is needed.