1. You use aphrodisiacs:
Do you still put your health at risk to impress women? You take viagra, burantashi, alomo, and opa-eyin to show her you are a man, my friend, you are a he-goat! A girl who once she is off your crib, is already calculating the next on the list to shine her congo.
2. You lie; fine, everyone lies but to impress a lady?
Do you rent cars to impress a lady? Or you probably tell her your Uncle’s house is yours since he is abroad; your mummy sells vegetable oil and you tell every girl you work in an oil company? my friend, are you related to Lai M?
3. You are on all social apps:
You are on Facebook with at least 3 accounts; one as a soldier, another as a customs officer and the other as a business man. You have Snapchat, instagram, badoo, 2go, Twitter, POF and you are always searching for slaymamas to bombard with ‘hey beautiful’ even if she is the junior sister of obj...or probably you even design your profile picture with flower vase on your head...haaa
4. You fight your parents when they deny you money when you ask:
Every time they say ‘No’ is a time to double your effort but no, your girlfriend asks you T-fare and you are still lieing to your parents you wanna buy dic, tion and ary, ....my friend, I don’t know what to say to you!
5. Social media: you still write your oladele as ‘Horlarhdheleh’
That’s how that old school mate (who now works in shell oil and gas) searching for you will never locate you...really? You are no different from a 12 year old save your bushy beard.
6. They still beg you to take drugs when indisposed:
You still vomit drugs, reject food like(mummy mi, I no get appetite), bro, buy pampers on your next shopping!
7. Your contact list is full of Facebook chidinma, badoo Amina and IG bolatito:
As a graduate, you don’t have a steady email account and even though you have, you didn’t even bother to install the app such that mails are received like instant messages. It takes 2 days to read emails but you reply amina’s WhatsApp messages in a jiffy. You can’t remember the password to your email but the password to all your 8 social apps is in your head, continue, I am coming soon, says poverty, my reward is with me, pressed down, shaken together.......
8. You sacrifice your sleep for nollywood and late night chats:
If you still subscribe 5000 to download ‘eran iya Osogbo’, ‘Black panther’ to watch all through the night or alternatively to chat some random ladies, my friend, it is finished!
9. You are an ardent fan of all betting firms.
Funny enough, you’ve exhausted all your savings and now you are begging your auntie for money, but you dare not say its for betting; albeit they give you and voila you are off to perm and nap numbers, I’m not a prophet but by the time you are 50 years, the tail of your shirt would be rolling up the back of your neck!
10. You save up money for tattoo!
You tax your auntie in London, daddy in Abuja to fix a tattoo worth 20k on your shoulder so you can walk up the street in singlet; you cannot invest that much and not flaunt it. Don’t turn an atheist when Chevron drops your name in the final list; or better still watch your daughter suffer on the hospital bed since the dad who has same blood group already is ineligible due to complications of tattoo.
11. You attend all parties:
Even the impromptu ones are never missed by you. You borrow money to buy the material, get starch on credit to starch your agbada and boxers. Who do you think you are doing?
12. You belong to basically sex chat groups:
Haaa, they’d never find you on a money-making discussion group, even your nairaland profile shows you are active only in sexuality. The next time I see your ‘I’m seeing black dots on my willi’ thread, I’d personally donate you a slap from here!
13. You don’t know how to say ‘NO’
You are a perpetual slave to peer pressure. You know guiness is bitter but who wanna be the odd one out? Haruna has downed 3, I must equal him. You have never smoked weed but as everyone dey puff, why won’t you? Can you please google the price of kidney/liver?
14. You are not computer literate:
You can operate any social media app but don’t know how to properly use Microsoft basics. Word, PowerPoint and excel seems Herculean task, keep it up!