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Help…I Am Trying To Build My Marriage But This Guilt Is Killing Me

This post first appeared on Livingstone

I was introduced to your blog three months ago and I must confess,it has been a huge blessing to my life. I love to read the stories and how you and one of your commenters:Uche always advice on the issues. I am a believer and I thank God for people like you who are fighting for godly marriages. I have been married for twelve years and it has not been easy but I thank God for His grace.
I am constantly being eaten up by the guilt of what I did about a year ago. It was a horrible mistake and I cannot forgive myself. You see,years ago,when my marriage was about eight years,my husband cheated on me. When I found out,I was broken.I mean.we are Christians. I never dreamed that one day,we would find ourselves in such a mess as s*xual sin. I know no one is perfect but I never ever expected it. My husband was a righteous man. He feared God. He loved God. He would frown at adultery in marriage in  a heartbeat. When it happened,my husband apologized and begged me. I was so devastated. I was depressed for months.I couldn’t bring myself to see him as the man that I loved and married. It was such a big betrayal to me.

Eventually,after like two years,I began to put the whole thing behind me. Or so I thought. As I say this, I am crying cos I dont know how this happened. But I became a gym fan after my husband’s affair. I thought he didnt like my body. I felt insecure about my looks so I began to gym and I was really good at it. But the problem started when I met a new guy at the gym. We started talking as just members of the same gym but it became a friendship over a few weeks. He would call me to find out why I was late to the gym or even absent. Sometimes,he would volunteer to be my gym partner. I guess I was just thrilled to have a man interested in me. He really encouraged me to follow through my keeping fit journey.
Something crazy happened one day. As we exercised,he was actually helping me to do my tummy exercises. And the next thing I know is,I had an orgasm!…It was so obvious that he noticed and I was embarrassed. He laughed and told me not to worry about it. That however opened up the opportunity for us to have conversations around sxual topics.It was flirty and we used to tease each other. Before I knew it,I was meeting him in a hotel and I slept with him. It happened once and I felt so horrible after. I was so sad afterwards. But the devil wasn’t through with me. Somehow,this guy convinced me that I was in love and he could make me happier. I never really had an orgasm with my husband. Most especially since his affair. This guy opened my eyes to a whole new sxual experience that I was not used to. I slept with him a second time before God arrested me. I stopped seeing this guy. I blocked his line and stopped going to the gym.
That was two years ago. Am afraid I didn’t tell my husband.For a long time I blamed him for this. Yes,if he hadn’t cheated,our marriage would still have been perfect.I would never have registered in a gym and I would never had met a guy to cheat with. I have prayed to God to forgive me but every time I pray,I feel convicted to confess to my hubby. The problem with that though,is I feel like,he would not forgive me. I feel like our marriage would not survive another infidelity. You know,its easy for women to forgive infidelity,men ,not so much. So ever since,I buried this secret with me but I get consumed every day by the guilt.
Please tell me what to do. I have been praying about this. Since reading stories from your blog,I have been getting a bit hopeful but I am also scared. I love my husband. I cry every time I make love to my husband cos the picture of this guy keeps flashing in my mind. I even think about it sometimes and it makes me feel worse.
We are trying to repair our marriage. Will telling my husband help or should I or just keep quiet and suffer this guilt in silence?


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