James had returned from the United States where he lived for 15 years. He had come to Nigeria on his parents’ request. According to him, he had decided on his future and saw me as part of that future.
I liked him. He was straightforward and sounded like someone who knew what he wanted in life. He said to me, “I don’t know what tomorrow might bring but if two years from now we are not married, we would waste no more time.” A little after two years, we got married.
When we were dating, I realized one thing about him that made me love him more; he never asked or did anything to suggest he wanted sex. He was just ok being with me. I spent a lot of nights in his house, and not on a single occasion did he make sexual advances towards me. It was after a year or so that we had sex. That even happened in very bizarre circumstances.
I thought maybe it was because we weren’t married. I thought he was that guy who preferred to wait until marriage.
On our honeymoon, I was anticipating something bigger. I was looking forward to a night where everything we were holding up would explode. It was a no show!
Immediately we got inside the room, he washed down first and by the time I returned from the bath, he was already snoring away. I was so disappointed. We went for a whole week and he didn’t touch me. I virtually had to push myself on him before he could finally do it.
Boy, it was awesome! Till date, it’s been the best sex I’ve ever had. Not that it is the best sex I’ve ever had, but I starved for a long time before I got it. And when I finally got it, it felt like a liberation. I wished it never ended but it did and it took us another several weeks before we had sex again.
At some point, I knew we had to talk about it. I knew we had to discuss what the problem was. I asked him; “James, is there something about me you don’t like?” He said no. I asked again, “Am I not sexually attracted to you?” He laughed and asked, “Why would you think this way?” I answered, “I just want to know because I can’t understand what’s happening between us. We’ve been married for close to eight months now, and we’ve had sex only a few times. Even that I virtually had to beg you to do it.”
He smiled awkwardly and said, “I married you because I was attracted to you and I’ve loved you since. If it’s sex you want, I’ll do better.”
I was happy for being able to talk about our first problem and be successful at it. That night we did it. Some few days later we did it again. He initiated it mostly and suddenly life was fun again. Just after some few weeks, things went back to the way it used to be. No sex!
Sex was happening sparingly and I usually have to ask for it or even fight for it. So, one night after failing to get him to do it, I tried bringing the topic back again. I was candid and straightforward but he calmly said to me…
“I’m trying my best but I can’t seem to keep up with your incessant demands. I can’t give it to you whenever you want it. Maybe you should bring your expectations down.” I told him I didn’t have expectations. I told him staying off sex for too long kills intimacy and I wanted more from him.
Then he said, “I’m sorry I’m not able to satisfy you but if you need it that much, I wouldn’t mind if you get it from someone else. Truly I wouldn’t mind at all. It makes you happy and it gets you off my neck. We’ll both be happy.”
To say I was stunned would be an understatement. I didn’t even know what to say. I wanted to believe he said it just to get me off his neck but the calm with which he said it sounded like he meant everything. So asked, “Are you serious? How could you suggest such a thing?”
He repeated what he said, “I’m serious. I want you to be happy. Just don’t get pregnant, and don’t bring him home here to do it under my nose, that’s all.”
I turned my face against the wall, pulled the cloth over my head and slept. I didn’t just sleep. I cried a little till I slept.
We went several months without sex. He didn’t ask for it and I didn’t push for it too. I was too scared. I didn’t want him to repeat what he said to me the last time.
One morning, he came to stand behind me as I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom. After staring at me for a while he said, “Hmmm it’s been a while. Have you started doing it with someone?” I didn’t answer that. He repeated himself and then added, “There’s no need hiding it from me. We are couples, we can talk about anything.”
Again, I didn’t answer. I kept brushing my teeth until he left me alone. We live together. I always sleep naked, closely next to him and this man does nothing, not even a simple touch. According to him, he’s already given me the solution—to find intimacy from someone if I want it that much.
He provides everything and I’m comfortable with him but going several months without sex with someone I’m married to is simply insane. Not that he’s impotent. Not that he doesn’t know how to make love, he simply doesn’t want it.
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I’m human. Sex is a need, especially when I’m married. I’m not getting it from where I should get it and I have the license to seek gratification from somewhere else. I’m tempted every day to do it—to find a man just for my sexual needs but it’s not worth it.
If I find a man to satisfy my intimate needs, I might as well stick to him so why don’t I leave my husband and find someone else who’ll be a complete husband?
I’m thinking…very soon I’ll decide and I know what the final decision would be.
-Ifeoma, Ibadan, Nigeria http://silentbeads.com/husband-says-he-wouldnt-mind-if-i-sleep-with-other-men/#.W9tKbdJKjMw