I write this now as my feelings have become too strong to ignore or suppress. Do not mistake that I am somehow confused over my feelings only deeply saddened. I am tormented by them. I lie awake at night reliving small moments of time with her. I wake ridden with anxiety over the possibility of not seeing her. I linger over pictures of her for periods of time that seem infinite. I am lost and in pain.
My adult step-daughter has become a young woman with striking beauty, gentle grace, intelligence and all of the things I desire in one I wish to spend my life with. My thoughts are consumed by her and I am helplessly captivated by her smile, her words, her smell…her. Even as I write this, tears overwhelm me. I long to hold her and kiss her as I would the love of my life, as I am sure she is. We share more together than I can honestly admit to sharing with anyone else. Simply having her close to me fills me with warmth and I honestly bask in her sweet and gentle nature. I watch over and protect her as a parent should but the selfishness of my love for her consumes me and blurs my role. There are flickers of a passionate love in return but I can’t bring myself to capture those moments.
I recognize something different in her love for me; shy and nervous but a consuming knowledge that something else is between us. I hear in her words small hints of loneliness and longing. I see jealousy in her eyes when with her mother. I feel desperation in her hugs. Something about her manner towards me is destroying my sanity. I tread in dangerous waters as I admit to these feelings but I fear the thought of dying and never expressing my love or dancing with her again. I love her with all my heart and perhaps this forum will prove to be the only link to the feelings I have. Perhaps her search for her own answers will bring her to this passage.
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