My first boyfriend was my brother’s best friend. I wasn’t young. I was 24 and felt embarrassed when I told him I was a virgin. No, it wasn’t the telling that made me feel embarrassed. It was the question he asked afterward; “You mean you haven’t had sex? What have you been doing with your life?”
My life had been empty. It had always been me hiding from people and things that would end up hurting me. Maybe it was due to my upbringing. Maybe not. But my upbringing was all about what I shouldn’t do. There was nothing said about what I could do.
Mom; “Cilla, you can’t have a boyfriend until you get married. You can’t visit a boy in his home. I’m telling you, you can’t have a friend who’s not a girl. Don’t talk to boys. They’ll hurt you in the end. Let God be your friend.”
Dad; “You can’t skip church for any reason. Herh herh, your brothers are hungry, you can’t sit here and be watching TV. Hell no, you can’t go out looking like that. Wear something that befits a woman.”
“You can’t..” That was all I heard every day when I was growing up. I didn’t know what I could possibly do. So that day after I’d told Sammy that I was a virgin, he felt I was in prison and was his responsibility to rescue me. My parent trusted him so they had no worries with me hanging around him.
We spoke and then we got closer and months after, I became his girlfriend unbeknownst to my brother and of course my parents. It was a dark kind of love.
Sammy was daring. He liked breaking all the rules but with me, he loved to break me. One afternoon, he stood naked in front of me and asked me to do the same. I did. He broke me. He did it once and he did it again moment afterward. After that day, he made up some stories and left me. “Your brother can’t find out that we are dating. Just imagine the day your parents find out, I would be dead. Let’s end it before things get out of hand.
He loved to break the rules. He broke me. For him, I was just another rule to be broken.
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I was 27 when I met David; a slim, quiet and unassuming gentleman. David was a fixer. He loved to fix things that are broken. He fixed my phone for me and later fixed us a date. After the date, we began dating.
You look at his face and wouldn’t know what to expect from him. He was always serene and expressionless. He didn’t look good and he didn’t look bad. Sometimes I had to ask him what he was thinking before I knew what was on his mind. Poor David, he only knew how to fix what was broken. He didn’t know where next to take our relationship.
I was the one calling off the shots. I guess if I asked him to marry me the next day, he would have said yes. He only loved to follow my lead.
One night, he invited me to come over to his house to see something. I went. He was lying in the sofa shirtless. I loved to see him shirtless and he was aware of that. That night his actions were unusual. It was like a kid who wanted something from the parents but couldn’t mention it.
I asked him, “Why did you ask me to come.” He only smiled. “You were missing me?” I asked. He nodded. “Ok, I’m here now, are you satisfied?” He only gave this mischievous smile and all the while looking at me longingly. His gaze traveled from my neck down to my waist.
I knew what he wanted. We’ve been seeing each other for close to six months and we haven’t been intimate. We didn’t even discuss it but that night I knew he wanted to do something to me. I hugged him and he started kissing me. He was rough and hungry. I was even surprised.
he turned off the light and started taking off his shirt. I sat on the bed and he stood closer to me. He was standing right in front of me with his thing almost touching my face. I touched it and left it almost immediately. I nearly screamed. “Turn on the light,” I screamed. He asked; “Why?” I repeated softly, “Please turn on the light.”
He did. And there he stood in all his glory. I couldn’t take my eyes off his penis. People usually compare penis to bananas but what was standing in front of me was bigger than every plantain I’ve ever peeled in my life. That’s not an exaggeration.
He looked down at me and kept asking what the problem was. I told him; “Forgive me but I didn’t know it comes in this size. Right now, my heart is troubled and my pelvis is clenched. What you have there can break me to pieces. I’m scared.”
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He sat next to me and whispered; “You don’t have to take it all in. Just the tip and I would be ok.” I declined. He said again, “There are other things you can do if you don’t like entry. You can even hold it, play with it for a while and I would be ok.” He was almost pleading but my fears won’t go away. I told him, “Maybe next time. Next time when I see it, I won’t be shocked again.”
I left his home that night and ‘next time’ never came. David Killed Goliath but my David Walked around with Goliath in between his thighs.
Because of him, I don’t like quiet guys, especially when they’re also slim. David could fix a world that is broken but I doubt he could fix what he himself has broken. He has a Goliath down there and every day my heart is at peace knowing I didn’t touch that for the second time. My vagina is grateful to me, I know.